


Sour Memories

by dontlookback



Series: Mayward Week 2020 [3]
Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Panic Attacks, angst with a blanket of fluff around it if u will, there's some fluff too though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:41:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26856877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontlookback/pseuds/dontlookback
Summary: Mayward Week 2020, Prompt 3: “How much of that did you hear?” + angstJJ takes a trip down memory lane – it hasn’t always been fun, but he and Pope have come further than he could’ve ever imagined.
Relationships: JJ/Pope (Outer Banks)
Series: Mayward Week 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1945528
Comments: 5
Kudos: 37





	Sour Memories

**Author's Note:**

> jj calls pope love and that's all you need to know

“It’s too early. It’s much too fucking early,” JJ grumbled the moment the alarm woke him up. The words were muffled by his pillow, but he could’ve been as loud as he wanted to be – Pope was already shifting beside him, also awake.

JJ summoned all the willpower he could muster and heaved himself out of bed, stumbling to the other side of the room, eyes still half closed, to turn the horrible noise off. Keeping his phone far away from the bed, so he wouldn’t fall back asleep right after turning off the alarm, seemed like a great idea at all times of the day – except for the mornings.

The silence was heavenly. Stifling a yawn, JJ started pulling on a shirt. He wanted nothing rather than to dive right back into bed, but if he did, there was no way he was getting up again in time to do anything. Halfway through putting a sock on, the realisation hit him. He turned around to face Pope, who was still laying curled up under the sheets.

“Pope?” He got nothing but a low hum in reply – Pope was a much deeper sleeper than he was. JJ didn’t love to think about why _he_ was a light sleeper, why he shot awake at every sound, but he sure melted every time he witnessed Pope slowly waking up. He always seemed so calm; so free of worries. Now, though, JJ walked over and poked Pope’s side to wake him up. “Love?”

He watched Pope untangle himself from the blankets enough to stick his head out, blinking against the small bit of sunlight that was streaming through the window. “Hm?”

“What day is it?”

“Saturday,” the mumbled reply came. Realisation seemed to hit Pope at the same moment as JJ, because he blinked his eyes open fully and asked, “Wait, it’s Saturday. Why did the alarm go off?”

JJ let out an exaggerated groan, and – with more frustrated force than necessary – kicked the sock off his foot again. It wasn’t the end of the world, of course, but the bed had been very comfortable and the fact that he’d gotten up from it for no reason was frustrating. “Forgot to turn it off, I guess. Fuck, I’m too tired for this.”

“Come back to bed, then?” Pope still sounded tired, voice clouded with sleep, and JJ smiled at the sound, relaxing a bit. It’s not like everything about the situation was bad; he got to cuddle Pope much longer, this way.

He quickly moved back into the bed, pressing up against Pope as he got comfortable. Pope moved an arm around him almost immediately, but his eyes were already closed again. JJ smiled at the sight – he was smiling a lot, for someone who had been brutally been woken up for no reason at some unholy hour, but he couldn’t help it. Smiling is easy in a life like this – they’ve been through a lot, the both of them, but in the end, it was worth it to get where they are now: living together, in love, sickeningly domestic.

_The summer air was thick and humid and it stuck to JJ’s skin uncomfortably by the time he walked into the Chateau. He didn’t need an invitation; this place felt more like a home than his own ever had, especially when he could still feel his cheek throb, especially when there was dried blood on his shirt._

_John B was sitting on the floor in front of the couch, surrounded by pillows and blankets. He looked up startled when JJ threw the door open – JJ noticed the dark circled under his eyes and felt regret form immediately. JJ knew that, even at so young an age as eleven, John B didn’t sleep much. He worried about it, sometimes, the steadily worsening insomnia, but right now… JJ worried, still, even now, but he tried not to feel the regret. John B – not the one getting up from the floor to walk over to JJ, but the one that lived in JJ’s mind as a second conscious – said that he wouldn’t sleep much, regardless, and that JJ could always come by at any time if he needed to._

_He needed to, today._

_He wasn’t sure why it had been worse, today. He didn’t think he’d done anything particularly wrong, but his father’s fists suggested otherwise. JJ barely remembered what had set his father off in the first place – maybe nothing, but JJ doubted that, because he always did have a knack for fucking things up – and he barely remembers how he got here. All his memory offers him is stumbling out of his front door, lip bleeding, breath shallow, and now he was here._

_John B put an arm around him for support. JJ would have flinched, in the past, but he was used to John B’s physical affection, by now, and John B knew not to make his movements too sudden._

_He let John B manhandle him into the kitchen, noticing but not really registering John B’s worried glance down the small hallway. John B didn’t let go of him until he was sitting down. JJ folded his arms around himself as his eyes followed John B, who got the trusty first aid kit out of one of the cabinets. An unusual place for a first aid kit, but when JJ had started showing up here more consistently, it was easier to keep it in here than having to get it from the bathroom each time._

_JJ hated that, absolutely despised that there was physical proof of the fact that he was such a bother. He pressed his eyes shut, winced at the movement immediately and blinked them open again._

_He sucked in a forced breath, and made the same silent promise to himself as he did every time he was sat at John B’s kitchen table: this would be the last time. After this, he would stop being pathetic and just take care of his shit himself rather than bothering his best friend with it at eleven pm on a Thursday night._

_John B was halfway done with rubbing some sort of disinfectant on his wounds before JJ realised he was doing so. He was grateful for John B’s silence. It was nice that John B knew not to press. Still, JJ noticed the worried frown on his friend’s forehead, worse than usual. Worse frown for worse injuries._

_JJ owned him some sort of explanation, at least._

_“I don’t know what I did wrong,” he croaked out, but the words sounded as wrong in the air as they tasted in his mouth._

_“You didn’t do anything wrong,” John B replied immediately. JJ didn’t like that unwavering trust. It was only a matter of time before John B would realize he was wrong._

_“Okay,” JJ said, nonetheless. He didn’t want to have that conversation right now. Lies came much more easily. “Dad… he – I think he just had a bad day at work, or something. It’ll be fine tomorrow.”_

_He could_ see _John B tense up. “I don’t think that’s true, J. But even if it was, it wouldn’t make this okay. You can’t let him keep hurting you like this.”_

_JJ’s turn to get tense. “It’s not that big of a deal. He had a bad day, and now he feels better. I’m glad he feels better. For that, a few bruises don’t matter.” He could see that John B was about to speak up again, but he quickly stopped him. “Not now, okay? Later.” It was an empty promise. Later meant never._

_John B continued in silence, doing an awful good job at patching JJ up for a boy his age, and JJ felt the familiar ache in his chest. John B shouldn’t have to know how to do this. He wisely kept his mouth shut, though, mostly because he had to focus just to keep breathing rather than letting the fresh memories of his father’s words spiral in his mind. The words were always worse than the punches._

_It took a while, but then John B was done. He said something about going to get a blanket for JJ and hurried off._

_JJ crossed his arms on the table and leaned his head in them, the least sore part of his face downwards. He was awfully aware of his own breathing, this way. He wasn’t sure what it was supposed to sound like, anymore. Was he doing it too fast? Too slow?_

_Someone cleared their throat, shaking JJ out of his thoughts, and it wasn’t John B, so he shot up immediately. His head pounded. In the doorway stood Pope, who – well, who simply shouldn’t be here. John B had introduced Pope to JJ just a few weeks ago, and sure, he’d been joining them to hang out occasionally, but he shouldn’t be_ here _. He shouldn’t be standing in John B’s kitchen while JJ was having trouble breathing._

_Pope cleared his throat, again, and he looked like he wanted to say something, but he didn’t._

_When JJ managed to speak up, his voice didn’t get above a whisper. “How much of that did you hear?”_

_“Pretty much all of it,” Pope said after a moment of hesitation. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to. If it makes you feel any better, I already kind of figured, about… uh, about your dad.”_

_It didn’t make JJ feel better; it made him feel like throwing up. People weren’t supposed to just_ figure _, especially not people he’d only known for a few weeks, especially not people who were Pope, who JJ had been trying extra hard to impress for reasons he couldn’t quite grasp._

_John B walks back in, expression apologetic. “Sorry, bro, I should have said. Pope’s sleeping over here tonight.” JJ didn’t reply, so John B continued, “You are, too, right?”_

_JJ wanted to argue, wanted to tell John B he had to be back home when his father woke up or else they’d have to have another patching up session, but he didn’t. He was tired, all of the sudden – tired enough that he felt like he could fall asleep right there, at the kitchen table. Still, he let John B wrap a blanket around him._

_When he woke up on the couch the next morning, he wasn’t sure if the memory of Pope helping him get there was real or not._

“JJ?”

JJ blinked at the sound of his name. He hadn’t been asleep, not quite, but it had been a close thing, laying with his eyes closed in bed, thinking over old memories his mind provided. He opened his eyes and saw, of course, Pope – wonderful, amazing, beautiful Pope, who was looking at him with a soft, sleepy smile. JJ threw a glance at the clock on the wall, shocked to find that an hour had passed since the alarm woke them up. Pope had fallen right back asleep, the two of them laying close together, legs intertwined, which was why JJ had also succumbed to a near sleep.

“Mornin’,” he mumbled back, closing the small distance between them to kiss Pope’s cheek. Pope’s smile widened, which JJ took as a win.

“Have you been awake all this time?” Pope asked, after he, too, dared to take a look at the clock.

JJ shrugged. “Kind of. I was just thinking.”

“Dangerous,” Pope mumbled. JJ stifled a laugh. “About what?”

“Nothing important,” JJ decided, and he was shocked to find he didn’t need to convince himself that it was true. “Want to stay here for a bit longer? I’m comfortable.”

Pope agreed easily, and they both shifted a little, but they stayed close together, JJ’s face pressed against Pope’s shoulder blades. He closed his eyes again, letting his fingers trace up and down Pope’s arm softly.

_The summer air was thick and humid and it stuck to JJ’s skin uncomfortably by the time he knocked on Pope’s front door. He had tried, first, to just twist the knob, with the intention of sneaking in without Pope’s parents finding out, but the door is locked._

_JJ didn’t want to be a bother. He didn’t, especially not at two am, with Heyward knowing JJ was the reason Pope had almost landed in jail. He didn’t want to be a bother. He didn’t want_ any _of this; he just wanted to breathe. He’d forgotten how to. The usually comforting smell of air near the sea made him sick and he couldn’t hear himself breathe with the wind rushing in his ears, so he wasn’t sure if he was even breathing at all._

_He just wanted to breathe. He just wanted Pope. He thought the two might be interchangeable._

_It’s not Pope who opened the door – it was Heyward, standing there with an expression that went from furious to concerned real quick, and JJ wasn’t_ _sure what’s worse._

_“I’m sorry,” he stammered, and it didn’t sound like his voice. Heyward reached out (because he’s falling, JJ realises, because his legs can’t hold him up anymore), and he flinched, which only made him loose his balance more. Heyward caught him, and JJ flinched again, but he also didn’t trust his body to keep him standing, which is how he found himself clinging to the man._

_“Dad?” A light flicked on inside the house. JJ would have recognised that voice anywhere._

_He wanted to say Pope’s name, but instead, all that came out is, “I’m sorry. I’m really – I’m sorry, Pope, I know – sorry.” Sentences weren’t an option anymore, it seemed._

_He did see Pope rushing forward, though. He was aware of Pope sliding an arm around his waist, keeping him up once Heyward let go, and he felt a flicker of relief. Pope was talking, saying something to him or to Heyward, JJ wasn’t sure. All that came through is white noise, white noise and tv-static and wind above the water he used to love so much._

_He hated the water, now. The water took John B, and with him, everything that was worth anything in JJ’s life. He tasted salt. Sound rushed back in; he could hear himself breathing, now, rapidly, shallowly, between sobs. He could feel himself crying onto Pope’s shirt._

_Pope._

_The water had taken everything that was worth anything, except Pope._

_He sucked in a breath. He felt a hand rub slow circle’s on his back. He could – he could hear Pope talk softly into his ear, but he couldn’t make out the words. The water took everything that was worth anything to him, and now it wanted to take him, too, but he was clinging to Pope like the boy was a lifeboat._

_He woke up in Pope’s bed with no memory of how he got there. He felt… alright. Numb. Tired. It took him a moment to take in his surroundings, and another not to freak out by them. He could feel Pope next to him. They were laying close enough together that JJ could feel Pope breathe. In, out. In, out. In, out. He matched the pattern. It might have been the first time he properly breathed in days._

JJ could feel Pope breathe beside him, and automatically, he matched his own breathing to it. He wasn’t panicked; his breaths falling in line with Pope’s was automatic, after all these years. He didn’t have to think about it like he used to. He didn’t have to force himself to do it.

Pope must have still been aware of it, somehow, because he turned around on the matrass to face JJ. He looked a little worried, but not overly so. They’d both been alright for a long time, now. “Everything okay?”

JJ smiled. “Like I said, just thinking.”

The memory wasn’t a pretty one, and neither was the story that came with it, but JJ though that story had a pretty good ending. As a teenager, he used to try his hardest not to think about what his life might look like, later, because he never imagined anything good for himself.

But this? This was _good_ , through and through.

He traced his thumb over Pope’s lip, and Pope smiled a bit, the worry disappearing from his expression.

“Dangerous,” Pope repeated his earlier words with a joking tone. “About what?”

“Oh, I don’t know.” JJ felt a surge of affection. He brushed his lips over Pope’s, then travelled down to press a lingering kiss to the crook of Pope’s neck. He looked up through his lashes, eyes meeting Pope’s again. He whispered, “We’ve come a long way, is all.”

“We have,” Pope agreed without hesitation. “And I’m proud of you. And I love you.”

“I love you, too. I love you so very, embarrassingly much, love.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! find me on tumblr @the-pogues :)
> 
> also check out more awesome mayward week stuff on there! @maywardweek2020
> 
> hope you enjoyed <3


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